DYSFUNCTIONAL CEREALS

Imagine a world without Coco-Pops; where Snap, Crackle and Pop were sounds you only heard when gran and grandpa were at it in the bedroom again; and breakfast time was an unhappy time of boiled oats, dry toast and milk that didn't turn into a lake of chocolate-flavoured goodness.

That is a world your Lord & Master is glad He doesn't live in; and to honour this antediluvian tradition of spading spoonfuls (such alliteration!) of nutritionalised junk food into our bodies I give you:

DYSFUNCTIONAL CEREALS FOR THE WORLD OF TOMORROW !!!

(C) nakedvoldemort

USELESS CREATURE ALERT !!

Now, evolution (should it exist) has produced some pretty awe-inspiring animals....but flip the coin and you find that evolution also has a rather disturbed sense of humour; some species really did draw the short 'shit straw' and most are now doomed to obscurity and extinction. One species that comes to mind is the Panda, or, the 'I'm totally Fucked - Bear'.

Now this species has really been effed in the 'A' by creation; sure they grew legs and fur but even then it seems these were more of an afterthought than an actual need to become any sort of 'supreme being'. They're more like an evolutionary dead-end - they took the road less travelled, got tired, had a picnic and thought 'fuck it, why bother?'. Yes they're cuddly and are about as dangerous as a bran muffin; but the bastards have decided that the only thing they could possibly eat is a stick of grass with a nutritional value akin to sand. The only other species they seem able to kill are themselves and are constantly being eaten by the other 'less useless' animals. They'd probably have a better chance of survival in a black and white jungle (being about as camouflaged as a pedestrian crossing in your backyard); and of course, they reproduce at about the same rate as your grandmother. Pretty silly considering that both them (and their food source) are dying out rather rapidly.

This conlcudes: VOLDEMORT'S GUIDE TO PATHETIC CREATURES

MISHEARD LYRICS

You know when you sing along to a song but inadvertantly fuck it up....but you're still happy because you don't realize it?

From time to time I will post these 'misheard lyrics' as I find them on my travels through the "Wizzernet" (it's like the internet, but for wizards.....and no, i'm not gay. Fuck You!)

THE BEATLES - CHICKEN TO RIDE

(c) www.rathergood.com

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLE

In honour of a special person
(and a total cop-out as far as gifts are concerned)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLE !!

Whips & Kisses
Uncle Voldemort

ACTS OF OPRAH

Even Voldemort must answer to somebody...

We all know it's true: Oprah is God. She is the light that shines in the dark; the bringer of life (and other cool things)
"Oprah decides who should live and who should die for she is our first, our last, our everything"

('O' Magazine Chpt. 14 Verse 7)

But strangely, very little is known of the impact Oprah has on the world; so here is but a taste of the awesome cosmic power of the almighty 'O' ...I bring you:

ACTS OF OPRAH
("A-OO")
the 7 Wonders of Winfrey


1. More people watch her than there are Bhuddists and Catholics in the world.








2. She killed Kennedy. Why? 'Cos she's an Obama supporter, that's why!











3. Her likeness has been recreated over the centuries

The Mona Winfrey

4. She is a revolutionary figure
ending totalitarianism & adopting a 'give and share' policy

O' Guevara








5. Movies & television show depictions of her epic life

6. Monuments stand in her honour









7. A secret 'code' was discovered embedded within Da Vinci's art







ACTS OF OPRAH (A-WOO) CAN BE FOUND THROUGHOUT HISTORY AND NO ONE CAN DENY HER POWER!!





WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION !!!?

THE 10 MOST FREAKISH MOVIE SCENES...

I am evil in its purest form - but that doesn't mean I don't get weirded out from time to time. And in honour of those 'edgy feelings' that creep up on all of us at some point, here is my list (as voted by a group of drunks) of:

THE 10 MOST FREAKISH MOVIE SCENES...

these scenes are not necessarily gruesome or even scary, but they just give one that little creepy, 'whincing' feeling in their gut...

1. FULL METAL JACKET
the suicide in the toilet






2. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
that guy standing in the corner

3.CARRIE
that trippy prom scene








4. AMERICAN HISTORY X
biting the pavement

5. THE EXORCIST
the spiderwalk







6. THE RING
crap movie, but this scene is still *shudder*








7. MISERY
sledgehammer + foot = whoa!









8. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST
the infamous 'impaled girl'











9. FRIDAY THE 13TH
the totally unexpected and pretty 'real' looking "throat-poke"









10. TWO GIRLS ONE CUP
it'll change your life....forever!

not necessarily a movie - but it certainly warrants the mention

Throwing an 'evil' party ? Or want to ruin a perfectly good one?

Then try my Ghoulish Playlist of DOOM!

Disclaimer:
Now, I don't endorse illegal downloading of music but, actually paying for these songs would guarantee you a place in hell - so these ones are ok to download.

1. WHIGFIELD - sexy eyes
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
2. 2 UNLIMITED - no limit
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Leonard Nimoy (aka Spoc from Star Trek) - Ballad of Bilbo Baggins
   -just be sure to show the music video to friends at the party as well-
   -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
4. HELEN REDDY - i am woman
   -she claims that supernatural influences inspired this song. I say that's no excuse! -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. MC HAMMER - can't touch this
   -the man responsible for more road sign vandalism then any other music artist-
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
6. CULTURE CLUB - do you really want to hurt me?
   -was that a trick question? -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
7. AEROSMITH - i don't want to miss a thing
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
8. BRITNEY SPEARS - hit me baby one more time
   -WARNING: camel-toe joke ahead! -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
9. AVRIL LAVIGNE - girlfriend
   -turn this one up REAL loud -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   10. DON MCLEAN - american pie
   - the song that keeps on giving...and never fucking stops! -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   11. HANSON - mmmbop
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   12. CHER - believe
   - GAME TIME! spot Cher and you could win a prize -
   
   
   
   
   
   13. MEATLOAF - i'd do anything for love
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   14. JAMES BLUNT - beautiful
   - this guy whines like Batman's little bitch -
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   15. THE BRADY BUNCH - it's a sunshine day
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   

So next time you want to make your parties eviler
(fuck you all again, it's STILL a fucking word!)
then remember Voldemort's
GHOULISH PLAYLIST OF DOOM!

hugs and kisses
Your Lord & Master

ENYARITUS

Many have suffered from this terrible affliction:
Enyaritus, or "sukiestmusiceversclerosis"
as it is known in the medical world.


The symptoms are:

1. a sense of sudden unexplainable euphoria
2. a strong urge to sing "sail away, sail away, sail away"
3. bleeding of the ears and nose
4. visions of either white, sandy beaches or the devil raping you

If you find you experience any of these tell-tale signs then your Lord & Master recommends that you immediately play any songs by one of the following artists:

AC/DC
Deftones
Cradle of Filth
Miley Cyrus
or The Cure

(It will counter the evil spell wielded by the 'witch-music'.)

You may ask why someone as evil as me would warn against something as positively ghoulish as this; well, I am your master and I will protect my followers from any evil........that is, evil that hasn't been instigated by VOLDEMORT !!

*bwahahahahahahahaha.............ha!*

It's been a while but I still hate Unicorns

And ponies.
And horses.
And donkeys.
And mules.
And stallions.
And asses (except on chicks).
And broncos.
And colts.
And Quidditch, I fucking hate that too.
And nags.
And stallions.
And mares.
And mustangs (both the horse and the car).
And zebras.

Fuck all of you.

Why unicorns suck!

Many of my followers ask why I hate unicorns so much; so, tosave you all the trouble of asking I have compiled a list of "10 Good Enough Reasons to Hate Unicorns" and here it is:

"10 GOOD ENOUGH REASONS TO HATE UNICORNS"

1.

Do unicorns even have genders? My understanding is that all unicorns are boy-unicorns and so, by default, are all gay! Also,how the fuck do they reproduce?

2.

They are in league with the anti-christ

3.

They have inspired a pussy-whipped movie which goes something like this:

"A brave unicorn and a magician fight an evil king who is obsessed with attempting to capture the world's unicorns. They love, they sing, and delight young audiences with their whimsical manner, subsequently mind fucking our children into believing just about anything"

Don't get sucked in with their 'Uni-Propaganda' !!

4.

They have their own clothing line
MIND FUCK ALERT!!!
(which has an entire generation confused about their sexuality!)

5.
They support U.S. politics








6.
They are the natural enemy of the 'Evil-nosed dolphin'

7.
THEY EAT CHILDREN !!
(even the one's without toss-looking 'lightning bolt' scars)









8.
Unicorn porn is nasty!









9.
Their cruelty extends far beyond you mere mortals.









10.
Statistically, unicorns are responsible for more
WTF!? moments than any other albino animals

And that is why Unicorns should always be feared! But never fear [anything but me!] I am doing my part to rid the world of these tyrants!!

Next time you see a unicorn, tell your Uncle V. about it and I will do the rest.

DEATH TO ALL UNICORNS!!

know your unicorns: